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 The following is an excerpt from "Mothers Need Time-Outs, Too" by Susan Callahan, Anne, Nolen and Katrin Schumann (copyright 2008). Reprinted with permission from The McGraw-Hill Companies, www.mhprofessional.com.
LET'S TALK ABOUT SEX!
Oh boy, in our focus groups, we could have talked for months on end about the effect that children have on romance.
"Children seem to be a growing impediment for the happiness of marriages," according to a 2004 Rutger's University marriage study. From nursing, wakeful babies to sulky, time-consuming teenagers, moms and dads certainly have less time and patience for romance. These issues can often be short term, but sometimes they linger long after the kids have learned to tie their own laces. According to a 2004 ABC "Primetime Live" poll, only one-third of couples who've been together more than 10 years say their sex life is very exciting, and the percentage of couples having sex two or three times a week plummets from 72 percent in their early years together to only 32 percent after a decade.
Many mothers admitted to feeling guilty that they experienced a slowdown - and, let's face it, sometimes a dead stop - in their sex drives after having children. As many of us have experienced, the warmth of a tiny baby's body and the nurturing, cuddling, affection they require and return often fills our needs enough that we no longer seek that kind of intimacy from our husbands.
Sometimes women come to believe that because they don't feel a whole lot of desire, they don't need sex anymore. Since they no longer see themselves as sexual beings, it doesn't take long for sex to become a chore they resist. Well, here's a sobering thought: "Unsatisfying sexual relationships are the all-too-frequent causes of alienation, infidelity and divorce," according to sex therapist Michelle Weiner-Davis.
In her book, "The Sex-Starved Marriage," she says, "Just do it. Desire is a decision. Once the low-interest partner allows him/herself to be touched and aroused, this will trigger a strong desire to continue being sexual."
Sex with your partner isn't just about satisfying his needs; while that's sometimes the case, it won't always be. It's about re-discovering what you want and need so that you can be whole again. If you're at a stalemate with your man about how often you should be having sex, consider this:
- How much intimacy do you need in order to feel connected to your husband? Be honest with yourself, because it may be more than you realize. Think back to how you've felt about your spouse during dry periods, and how great you feel when you're being intimate frequently.
- How much sex does he need to feel content, and connected? For most men, intimacy is inexorably connected with sex.
- Is there a way you can compromise on frequency, maybe by changing your routines or spicing things up? According to the "Primetime" poll, people who call themselves sexually adventurous are more apt - by nearly 30 percentage points - to call their sex lives very exciting and are "considerably more likely in turn to be satisfied with their overall relationship."
- The more you do it, the more you'll desire it. Honestly, it's that simple!
Some couples need sex every other night, some once a week, some twice a month. Marsha, a mother of one from New York, said her boyfriend often goes for months without making a move, and they constantly fight about his disinterest, while Jeannie, a mother of two from New Mexico, told us her husband insists that sex three times a week is the norm. Bottom line is, what each couple needs in order to feel deeply connected varies so widely there is simply no norm.
But one thing's for sure: sex matters. One of the primary conclusions drawn from an international survey conducted by the University of Chicago in 2006 was that "subjective sexual well-being was correlated with overall happiness in both men and women." And get this: according to a 2004 study in the National Bureau of Economics Research working papers, increasing frequency of sex from once a month to once a week improves happiness as much as getting a raise of $50,000 a year!
So keep those major advantages in mind as you read the top four lame excuses that we've heard, or (dare we admit) that we've used once too often ourselves:
- "The kids are always around." How about organizing play dates for them on a weekend afternoon?
- "I'm way too tired." Forget sex at night and try mornings instead; or sneak off for a quickie (after locking your bedroom door) while the kids are playing.
- "I just don't have time." Come on, you can make time for anything if you really want to!
- "I don't enjoy it anymore." Work on figuring out what will spark your lust - maybe it's watching a cute actor in a movie, trying out a sex toy, wearing something pretty to bed or having more alone-time with your husband without sex being involved.
For more free tips for busy moms visit www.momstimeouts.com.
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